


I Don't Know Where To Send Them, Meg

by Fictional_Femme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 11:31:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/991525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictional_Femme/pseuds/Fictional_Femme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel writes Meg letters after she dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm scared

**Author's Note:**

> Uh well it was supposed to be like letters I wrote over time. I ended up writing it all in about 45 minutes because I couldn't stop. So yeah. Yay cohesive (if very short) semi story thing!

Dear Meg,

 

I don't know what happens to demons when they die. I know monsters go to purgatory, humans go to heaven or hell. But demons, and angels too, I don't know what happens to us. When something dies that is never meant to die where do they go? The truth is I'm scared, Meg. And not only because I don't know what happens to angels and demons when they die, and I really would like to know. I'm responsible for so much death, Meg. So much. And now you.  
Sam told me what you said, about me being your unicorn. Well I really just want you to know that you're mine too. We're supposed to be enemies and sometimes we were, but I still.. I still fell in love with you, Meg. And I'm so sorry I never told you that. That's another thing I'm scared about, Meg. I'm scared that angels and demons don't go to the same place when we die. I'm scared I'll never see you again.  
Meg. I'm so sorry. And I'm scared that I'll never have the chance tell you that I'm sorry. 

Please forgive me, 

Clarence


	2. I'm Gone

Dear Meg,

I'm all alone. I don't mean to complain, but theres no one left around that understands what millenia feels like. Gabriel, Samandriel, Anna, Balthazar. You. Everyone is gone, Meg. Everyone is dying except for me and I've taken so many lives that I can't even look at myself. And that's another thing. (Oh, I'm human now. I suppose you don't know that. You missed a lot, Meg. I just want you to come back.) I CAN'T look at myself because I'm staring at the face of Jimmy Novak. Another man I've killed. He's completely gone now. He died when I went to purgatory. I guess that was the moment his body became mine. Sometimes I want to tear this body apart because it's not mine. I shouldn't be in it. I never should have possessed a vessel, Meg. I see that now. But now it's too late. His face is mine, and I am gone. I'm gone, Meg. I understand that now. I'm not an angel anymore. I stopped being an angel a long time ago, even before my grace was taken. I'm glad it was. I'm not an angel, Meg. But I'm not human, not really. I'm not a demon. I'm not anything. I don't understand, Meg.   
I wish you were here to tell me to stop complaining and be happy I survived. But Meg, I'm not sure I did. I've lost so many pieces. I'm not angel. I'm not Castiel. 

Please, Meg. Come back. I need you to tell me who I am,

I Don't Know.


	3. Is There Room?

Dear Meg,

It's been a year. I didn't know what to write. I still miss you, and I still wonder where you are.  
I've gotten used to this world, now. And I've gotten used to the mirror. It's still not okay that I stole his face, stole his life. But I know there's nothing I can do now.  
Something is happening, Meg. And I don't know what to do. Do you think you can love two people at the same time?  
Because there's someone.. I don't know why I'm being evasive. You'll never read any of the words I write. I know that. I used to hope. But I know now that's foolish.  
Anyway. Dean. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm torn between loving you and falling in love with him and I want to make room in me for both of you, but I don't know if I can. If that's fair. To either of you.  
You were my unicorn, my one of a kind, my one in a billion. But Dean, he's so warm and he takes care of me. I think he loves me. And I think I love him too. 

Are you Angry?

Castiel.


	4. I'm Here Now, But He's Not

Dear Meg,

I told Dean I loved him. He told me he was sorry. I haven't seen him in a month. 

 

Castiel.


	5. Am I Being Selfish?

Dear Meg,

Dean came back today. He told me he was sorry again, but he explained this time. He told me he didn't want me to give you up. He told me I'd never get over you. I'd never move on. He's right. But I don't think I have to move on, at least not all the way. I want to keep you. I don't want to forget. But I want to spend memories with him, too. 

He told me he loved me, too. And that he was sorry that he couldn't say it before. Then he asked me to come and sleep with him. Not in the pizza man way, but just sleep. I did. It was the best I've felt since you, Meg. It feels wrong, but also right. I don't know what to do. I love you. I always, always will. But I love him too. and I don't know what to do. I shouldn't get two loves like this. Not me. I shouldn't have had one. 

I think I have to stop writing to you, Meg. It's been almost a year and half. I want you to know that I love you. But you probably never will. 

I'm so sorry,

Clarence


	6. Love Him

_She smiled sadly, a tear leaking out despite her promise to herself not to cry. Fate was cruel. Or whoever gave her wings was. She's the only angel now. Well, besides Metatron. She's alone. The spell that locked all the other angels out locked her in because she became an angel after the spell. She thought it might have been God. Sometimes, when the utter aloneness got to her, she thought she was God. But she knew that wasn't right._

_She can only watch as her unicorn writes her letters and cries, a thing she'd never imagined Castiel doing. She wanted him to be with Dean. Dean made him happy, and she never can. Never could. Everything was so complicated. She regretted every second she spent working against Cas and the Winchesters. Maybe if she'd been true to her feelings, she wouldn't be here. But she knows that;s not right either. She was meant to be here. And he was meant to be with Dean._

 

_"It's okay, Cas." she whispered, a sob catching in her throat and making her voice hitch. "It's okay. Please Cas, just hear me. Just this once."_

_Her sobs were no longer in her control. Her hands clutched at the bed she was lying on, her own self imposed prision cell. She screamed and cursed and begged. All she wanted was for Cas to understand. She wanted him to be happy. But there he sat, crying right along with her at his desk in his dark room. He folded up the paper and tucked it under his matress like he always did. Her voice grew hoarse from screaming. In a final attempt, futile attempt she whispered quietly, so softly that if someone was sitting next to her they couldn't hear her._

_"Cas." she breathed. "Love him."_

_She could see Cas' hand still suddenly. He look startled, almost scared. Then realization dawned on his face._

_"I will" he whispered, and with a sad smile of his own he headed for the door, leaving the cold room and the letters behind, and he sought out the one place he knew would always be warm_


End file.
